Recently as part of my occasional 'existential crisis'-style night-worrying, it occurred to me... my purpose in life!
Yes that's right, my purpose for existing... Kindness, and laughter.
I know it's not a huge epiphany, but it's enough to help me get through the darker days.
Obviously my main reason is my family, but I think kindness and laughter are a key factor in that too.
I really do feel that in times of strife it is nice to think of the happier things and maybe even laugh at ourselves.
Recently at a family gathering we reminisced over some of our clumsier moments and I was almost reduced to tears, laughing.
You would never have guessed I'd barely had any sleep the night before.
It is fair to say that the world is a pretty terrifying place right now. It really is. I have always avoided watching the news because I know how sad it can make me feel.
All I am seeing is hate, war, attacks, violence and every now and then a comical picture of a cat.
It doesn't take a lot to send me into a sad place where I dwell on things and fixate on how I can make it better.
The truth is, global issues are hard to fix, but I strongly feel that a little kindness from everyone goes a long way.
The other day I was feeling a bit miserable. I had an operation looming, the feeding pump had repeatedly woken everyone up through the night, I was so overdue with my errands and paperwork and so on.
I started preparing for the nursery run, feed change over, pack meds, check bag is packed with spare gtube button and multiple spare outfits etc.
It felt a lot like ground hog day... contend with traffic, assemble very heavy wheelchair, run in the rain to the door.
But then it happened.... just like that, an act of kindness entirely altered my day and my perception of the world!
At nursery sometimes parents buy sweets for all of the children when it is one of the child's birthdays. My daughter is not able to eat and is fed 24 hours a day via a feeding pump into her gastrostomy.
One of the mums had bought a bottle of bubbles and attached the sweetest ever note explaining how they know Amy can't eat sweeties and might want to blow some bubbles instead.
I rushed back to my car to shed a few joyful tears at just how thoughtful and inclusive this gesture was.
I forget sometimes that amidst the chaos of the world that actually there are a lot of people like this out there.
The people that help you lift the wheelchair off a train, the secretaries that talk to you on a human level as you plough through your phone calls, the parents that explain to their children how my child eats differently to others and helps them understand what a diverse world we live in.
Sometimes it can only take one little thing to ruin your day but equally I have learned that good happens too and this is what matters most.
They say that anxiety can be a good thing as it is a catalyst for action.
I feel that whilst my anxiety is not entirely useful and also a huge drain on me, that sometimes it does trigger the action that I need.
I have been a bit poorly recently and have as a result become very demotivated and a bit self pitying.
When you become demotivated you can slip into bad eating habits, gain weight, lose confidence, fade away, feel discouraged and lethargic.
I am trying to snap out of that and right now I feel like I have that momentum.
I have also learned that very little can shock me and as a result you can develop a bit of a warped sense of humour and there is no topic that can be considered taboo.
Before motherhood and any of this I was so squeamish at the mention of poop, sick, mucous, all sorts.
Sometimes when I am reciting a story I have to really think about my audience, I have become so desensitised to things that I have to censor myself!
If you're looking for a chuckle then feel free to picture the time I was at a disco and slipped on a rogue sausage roll on a dance floor. The lights were switched on, the music was stopped, and the DJ asked on speakers if I was okay.
I had been fine up until that moment when my ego was bruised. You might also enjoy hearing about the time my dad accidentally de-iced someone else's car.
You may enjoy perusing this post whilst picturing me getting the valve wrong on a giving set and squirting medicine into my own face (this happens with a concerning regularity).
So if you're reading this – be kind, laugh, and always look out for sausage rolls on dance floors.
The mobility solution that evolves with your child’s needsFind out more