I recently went on my first vacation alone in two years.
It took me months to buy the ticket as I couldn't get myself to admit that I want to go away alone.
I wasn't going away to rest from being with Diwan.
I was going away to rest from being who I am when I am with Diwan...always just a half a yell away, worrying constantly, using every opportunity to teach him something, building his confidence and trying to be a perfect mom.
Everything was micro-organised before I got on that plane.
Don't know if I do it because I feel guilty for not working so that I can look after our son and now I am going on holiday or is it because I am so used to just do it.
Having a special needs child never ends...special needs children can't just finish their medicine and get healthy.
Most of all they don't get cured.
The doctors and therapists can help, make recommendations and diagnosis but they can never take it away.
So I made sure everything is ready for my big exit out of my own life for 10 days...a program for the nanny and dad to follow from the moment Diwan wakes up till he goes to sleep, all the medicines in their place, the therapists and his teacher briefed to their teeth.
I even ordered food to be delivered certain days to make sure no one suffer more than they should.
The big day came and it felt as if I lost a limb.
My heart missed a beat everytime I thought of them.
Almost too good.
I can't decide if I am glad that they were fine without me or sad that they were fine without me.
Diwan loved every minute of his daddy-son time.
I learned that I have to give Diwan the opportunity to grow up, I am so busy helping him to grow up that I never give him enough space to do so.
I have to give my deputy (my husband) time to practice what I preach the whole day.
Give him time to bat an inning.
You'll be surprised how long they were ready sitting on the bench waiting for a chance.
Most of all I have learned to take time more often to find myself again.
How will Diwan ever know me for who I am if I lose myself in being his mom?
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