1. Wait to renew your vehicle tags until the last business day of the month.

Procrastination? No. Adventure!

 

2. Go when it's raining and you're under thunderstorm and flood warnings.

Get those license plates really clean with help from Mother Nature. Saving money on your water bill. You're so frugal. 

 

3. Park in the overflow lot, which is literally overflowing with rain water.

You still don't have your handicap placard, but at least you get some extra steps in. 10,000 a day! 

 

4. Unload the wheelchair.

You don't have a ramp, so just lift that 55 lb sucker with your brute strength and lower it to the ground. 

 

5. Strap your youngest toddler into a carrier.

Choose your comfiest carry, because you are going to be here until the puddles dry up. Next week. 

 

6. Load your older toddler into her wheelchair.

Start the trek to the front door. This building isn't accessible. Fun! 

 

7. Don't forget to remind the five-year-old that we don't need to say out loud that people smell bad, are tall, have weird clothes, or have moles on their faces.

All his words. Not mine. His superpower is observing everything and reporting with no filter. Lovely. 

 

8. Open the door and push the wheelchair in.

Twenty-seven people, and not one person helps. 

 

9. Get your number.

Wait for seats to open up. "Lady, yous da shortest lady I ever saw." Observing and leaping buildings in a single bound. Thanks, son. 

 

10. Sing songs for one hour to keep your daughter from screaming, "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!"

Don't forget the signs and hand motions.

 

11. Remind your preschooler not to pick his ear and smell it.

This is a daily occurrence. A new strange obsession. 

 

12. Smile and nod at the elderly woman who says your 20-month-old will never learn to walk if you don't let her out of the carrier.

She wouldn't walk. She would run. Right out of the building and into the street. But not to our van. Because we are parked in the next county. 

 

13. Get yourself a wheelchair

And a little boy who is pretending to be a frog up to the counter when your number is finally called. 

 

14. "Do not lick this counter."

You are now trying to erase the mental image of your child licking something that was touched by 62 people today. And hasn't been cleaned in forty years. The math is heartbreaking. Stop thinking about it. 

 

15. Use your hand to physically block his tongue as he tries to lick it again.

While the middle child is yelling numbers at the very top of her small lungs. And eating her wheelchair straps. 

 

16. Hand over your papers, which are in perfect order.

And your money, which is all facing the correct way. And silently will the clerk to move faster. Because the one in the carrier is trying to poop. And she's not being quiet about it. 

 

17. Take your paper, your little stickers, and leave as fast as a person with three kids under six in a building not conducive to the use of a wheelchair will allow.

Just keep moving. You are so close to not punching that man who just called your daughter "that cripple"...you can do this. 

 

18. "Mama, I alweady licked da counter. So I get a germy cookie now."

And you let him eat the complimentary cookie, because his logic is pretty sound. But why does this place have cookies on a tray? Your hepatitis mom alarm is going off. 

 

19. Leave one hour later.

Feeling absolutely victorious. And start the long, wet walk back to your van. Don't even lust over those three empty handicap spots. Your placard will be here soon enough. 

 

20. And you just remembered that you forgot to pick up the handicap placard paperwork.

There is no way you are going back in there. You are praying it's on the internet somewhere.

 

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