The day of and after we received Oliver’s diagnosis was the hardest day of my life, to say the least.

As awful as it sounds, the inevitable questions came to mind.

Why me?

What did I do wrong?

Could I have changed this?

Will my baby ever walk?

Will he live a normal life?

Will he live..?

Can we make it through this?

We were preparing to bring home a healthy baby, and now I had to prepare myself to come home without my son.

He is going to need surgery, to close the hole in his back, just days after being born.

Then another surgery to place a shunt in his head to drain the fluid back to his spine.

Measuring 13mm, I will go back to see the specialist in two weeks to measure the fluid again.

If it increases, so does the risk for damage.

I will soon have to meet with a team of neurosurgeons who will handle my son's shunt surgery, if he needs it.

Our new goal and motto is to just take things day by day and apt by apt.

It was scary to wake up and feel like you lost your baby.

I’ll admit I felt like I was in a dark place.

But it’s not expected to feel normal after an appointment like yesterday.

I had to go online and stop reading all the medical jumbo about my baby’s outcome.

Instead, I found faith in reading other people's stories.

for children with special needs

What a blessing it is to be able to peek into people’s private lives, and read their stories and amazing accomplishments of their children living with spina bifida.

I’ve learned every story and outcome is different.

A doctor can tell you the book definition of spina bifida and give you the predicted outcomes.

But learning that spina bifida does not define your child is huge!

I’ve learned through others' words that this diagnosis does NOT and will NOT define Oliver.

It does not condemn him to a wheelchair.

I’ve seen so many stories of children walking when the doctor said they would never accomplish such a thing.

I will shoot for the moon with my son Oliver, and land amongst the stars if we fail or are set back.

I’m not guaranteed he will walk, or do many things other kids can, but life doesn’t have to be “normal”.

We will, together, discover a new world.

Every single story I read eventually shared the same thing.

If they could go back in time, to tell themselves not to worry they would.

That once their son or daughter was born, everything didn’t seem so hard.

This was because they actually got to see God’s beautiful creation and touch and hold him or her.

I very much look forward to being able to finally meet Oliver, and understand why God placed him in our hands.

I may not know why just yet, but am hopeful to soon understand why he chose us.

Not every day is guaranteed to be easy, and it’s so hard to see strength in yourself when you feel so helpless, but I know Oliver is here to teach me so much about life and love. <3 

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