As of recently, I have found myself in this silent rut.

I haven’t really talked about it with anyone but maybe mentioned a few things to my husband here and there.

To be frank, I can’t even figure it out myself, and it seems to be ever changing.

It is a tug and a pull into wanting to do more for myself, more for my family, and especially more for my son Oliver who was born with a lifelong diagnosis.

Before, I used to stay at home with Oliver while his older brother Aaden went off to school and my husband Aaron went off to work.

Life was plenty busy with all kinds of appointments and learning to be a new mother in general. 

When I met Aaden, my step son, he was five. Life did not require changing diapers, feeding every three hours, nor the countless sleepless nights a baby brings.

I took it all in stride and eventually the sleepless nights tapered off, the feedings grew further apart, and the diapers... well no, the diapers still needed changing every three hours. Lol. 

As we cleared more appointments with good results, those eventually grew further apart as well. Only needing check-ups every 6 months or year.

Life became... a bit of a bore. I had all the things in this world to teach my son of course, but growing up as independent as I did, I wanted more for myself.

I wanted to be of more help, financially at least, to my family. I had always had a job and I was soon going on two years without one.

But as much as I tried, it just was not in the cards for me to be able to go out and work and have my son somewhere where he could be watched safely and with all the extra care he personally needed.

I basically couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I, one of the very few, luckily came across a legitimate opportunity to work from home helping out a friend and her Etsy store. Almost a year later, I still help run the shop for her!

Yet this nagging feeling has since returned. EVEN though my life grew busier by a job and a new little addition to the family.

A family of three boys now, my husband and I work and I finished a few classes even at the community college.

I know and pray I will eventually be shown which path to take, and I know it can be different then what my future ultimately will hold.

I just want to do more for the community of disabled children and adults, I want to finish nursing school, I want to extend my writing abilities, I want so much more!

I know this life of mine is meant to be full and of endless opportunities, I just have to take them one step at a time. 

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