As a special needs parent I often make important decisions on behalf of my daughter, Bethany because she isn’t always capable of understanding what is being asked of her. Many of the decisions I’ve had to make for her have had potential life threatening complications!
Naturally, I want to make decisions that will be in her best interest. Of course, I want to make decisions that will keep her alive! I want to make decisions that will improve her quality of life! I want to make decisions that will make her happy. I want to make the same decisions for her that I imagine she would make for herself. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it! The problem is I never feel 100% positive like I am really making the correct decision.
Am I truly considering what she would want?
Am I truly capable of making an unbiased decision or am I making the decision that I want for her?
Just when I think I’ve finally got everything all figured out, the doubts begin to invade my mind! I begin to second guess myself. Is what I am about to give my permission for not going to kill her? Is it really in her best interest.
Will it truly make her happy?
Will this decision really improve her life?
Then back to the drawing board I go. I start over from scratch, weighing all the pros and cons once again. I torture myself as I go over all the terrible risks involved again. I agonize over every grizzly little detail of what could go horribly wrong if I give the “go ahead and do it” green light. I also go over what could go incredibly wrong if I don’t give my permission to do it and what could go incredibly right if I do! What harm could befall her if I make this decision? What harm could befall her If I don’t? How will this decision benefit her.
What benefit will I be denying her If I choose not to do it? I always feel as if caught between a rock and a hard place. I always feel as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I want no regrets. I would never forgive myself if I made the wrong decision and something terrible happened to my precious, beloved daughter. Somehow I must get over my fears and doubts and make that final decision!!
Somehow I always do make that final, once and for all, “there’s no turning back now” decision.
I will always and forever wonder if the decision I made was the right decision or if I should have made a different, better one!
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