A few weeks ago I posted about my fears for my daughter starting school. She has now been there nearly a month and is settling in okay. She’s made friends and seems happy enough when she comes out.

She’s not eating much and is having frequent wetting accidents but its early days I am trying not to get too worked up over it. She is coming on leaps and bounds with her reading and number work which I am over the moon about. I knew I was going to miss her, I do, but it’s also been nice to be excited to see her at the end of the day and have more energy – what I wasn’t prepared for was feeling so strange in my own company.

I have changed.  

In many ways that are positive. Small things don’t matter so much anymore, you realise not everything has to be perfect all the time. I no longer stress about small things, I no longer care what people think about me,  I feel braver, I stand up for my children and I no longer judge anyone before I have had a chance to get to know them. I feel like all of us in the family are better people.

However, I can’t remember what I like doing anymore.

My daily routine of dressing, feeding, stretching, playing and appointments has gone. Somehow in the past four and a half years, the determination and strength to get through everyday has left me quite lost. It turns out after a few days the novelty of going to the shops alone and in peace wears off! When did I become so boring!? I used to be fun, I knew how to relax, and I feel I’ve completely changed.

I didn’t realise I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I don’t feel sad, just bored and so lost. I feel guilt about not working but I just can’t find anything that fits around the children, my husband and the hospital appointments that are still going to be frequent.

I am at college one day a week, hoping to work towards a new career path for myself in the future, I force myself to pick up the sorts of books I used to like, I write, I watch meaningless films, go to the gym, I tried to bake but ended up eating everything I made!  None of it brings me the enjoyment it used to but I hope with time, I will allow myself to switch-off long enough to enjoy things that used to make me smile.

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