As I am writing this, I am lying in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV pumping me full of fluids and meds.

Why?

Hyperemesis, the condition I had while pregnant with Cooper, has returned. 

I spent two days vomiting nearly non-stop. 

I haven’t had any food of any kind in almost a week.

To say I’ve been miserable is the understatement of the century. 

But I am determined to push through this and deliver a healthy, full-term baby in August or September.

Of course the old fears have returned. 

Will my baby be okay? 

Will she be born healthy and strong? 

Will I be okay? 

I can’t leave Cooper without a mother, and I can’t leave my husband without his wife.

But we want, no, need this baby. 

Cooper needs a sibling for many reasons. 

He needs someone who will understand him in a way that only siblings can. 

He needs to not be the only grandchild on both sides of our family so his grandparents will stop giving in to his every whim and fancy. 

He needs someone to love and teach things to, and he needs someone to teach him as well.

I need this baby because, to be quite honest, I don’t feel quite so validated as a stay-at-home mom with no children at home during the day. 

I need to prove to myself that I am capable of being a good mom. 

I need to feel like everything that’s happened with Cooper isn’t completely my fault.

It’s silly, I know. 

I know deep down there’s nothing I could have done differently in my pregnancy with Cooper to change the outcome. 

But I still get those feelings of inadequacy, like I failed somewhere along the line. 

I know that I’ll probably have these same feelings even if I deliver a healthy, full-term baby. 

I know that I’ll likely feel inadequate many times over the course of my children’s lives, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my hardest to be the best mother I can. 

I want my children to know they are loved, no matter what disabilities or problems they may have. 

I have to figure out how to do that without spoiling them or allowing them to run over me. 

Yes, we need this baby inside me right now, for many reasons.

Mainly, though, we feel this baby will complete our little family. 

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