When we could finally take our baby home, 65 days after he was born, I made a out-of-my-heart though naive promise to my boy that I will never let him stay in hospital again and I believed with everything in me that I would be able to keep my promise.

I also did everything in my power to keep my promise.  

Once, he nearly dehydrated from severe diarrhoea and the doctor wanted to admit him but I was prepared to stay awake all night feeding him drop by drop if that was what it would take keep him home. 

Although we knew most CP children will sometime down the road have a muscle, hip or other operation we didn't want to even think of the possibility for Diwan.

He was different than other CP children, he could walk (with hard work and not perfectly, but still), he could talk. 

We did physiotherapy weekly sometimes twice weekly, daily stretching, botox, night splints, DMOs, other orthotics, name it and we did it.

We were working towards something, tirelessly.

You know I don't think we knew towards what, we were just so used to trying to make him better. 

I admit that I frowned upon people who's children had to go for muscle lengthening operations. 

They were the people that gave up, they didn't try hard enough, they didn't want it enough, they took the easy way out while we were working so hard in my eyes. 

The day our orthopedic surgeon said the time has come for Diwan to have a medial hamstring lengthening and gastrocnemuis recession it felt like I let him down. 

I didn't stretch him long enough, didn't take him to enough specialists. 

I prayed to God to let me carry this burden for him. 

Let me be the one that have to endure more in this coming year than many people do in a lifetime.

I am stronger. 

I can understand better.

I am willing to do anything to spare my child this. 

Not only will I have to break my promise,  but I will also have to see the truth.

The truth that I was trying so hard to overturn .

Diwan has Cerebral Palsy, he is disabled and I can't fix it.  

Dealing with this even made me physically sick.

I believe parents with special needs children grieve a few times for the child the thought they were going to have...this was one of those times. 

I came to realise that if I could have it over again I would do everything the same. 

My son is more precious to me than any other. 

He showed me dimensions of myself that I never knew I had.

He taught me more than a university or school can. 

He loves so fully that I can't imagine my life without him. 

I am not ready to shout it from the roof but still we went and bought his first wheelchair like stroller and parked on a disabled parking (why do you feel guilty if you do that?). 

He didn't change,  I did!

I have finally stopped trying to change my son and accepted him, diagnosis and all! 

This operation might help his leg, but it helped my heart more.


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