Being a mummy comes with a lot of emotions and feelings, a big one for me is feeling guilty about the way I am feeling. Bear with me here.

Since Zachariah was around five weeks old he has had a dummy, like lots of other babies he found immense comfort from it. 

Although it came with peace and quiet where Zachariah would otherwise be distressed it also came with a relay match in the middle of the night.

Whenever it would fall out, I would have to dash out of bed and run to quickly plug the dummy back in. We all get the drift.

I would often discuss this routine with friends and we would compare notes on how to make it easier, a big tip being the glow in the dark dummies to help you find it.

Another being to send the dummy off to the dummy fairy.

This would come with a whole new level of guilt if I took away Zachariah’s comforter!

Then another being just wait until they can hold their own dummy and put it back in themselves, this sounds great, however my son has global developmental delay and a visual impairment, he does not have this option.

So two years on we still have a dummy for comfort and we still have the continuous game of dummy running throughout the night.

Some nights scoring up to 30 dummy runs! Gold Olympic medal please?

The other night I heard him shout for the tenth time, I rolled over and stumbled out of bed and shouted “why can’t he put his own dummy back in”? “Why are we still up so much throughout the night for a dummy”!?

Straight away I had this rush of guilt!

My son who relies on me for everything needed me to go and put his dummy back in, it wasn’t his fault, I should not be pointing my anger and frustration towards him, he is a little boy who has fought so much to get to where he is today.

I felt like such a horrid Mother as I got myself so worked up, the pure exhaustion from the unsettled nights had really took its toll and I had no more room left to be okay with it.

In the space of 2 minutes I had gone from being asleep, to being woken up, to shouting, to feeling utter shame and guilt for feeling frustrated with my son.

It happens too often doesn’t it?

We crack on with our lives, we get run down from all the responsibilities we have being a parent to a child with complex needs and then we have a complete blow out to then be left feeling guilty.

We wonder where we can send our frustrations to, wouldn’t it be great to have a little bin we blow all our frustrations into, seal it up and chuck it away without it affecting our children and without it being sealed with the guilt.

I never want my son to feel like he is a burden, nor to feel responsible for my tiredness and grumpiness as the only thing he is responsible for is bringing utter joy and love into my world.

The day we decided to try for a baby was the day we were ready to give up everything for them, tonight I remember that, remember that we knew it would be tough but it would all be worth it!

I love my boy on tired days and on non tired days all the same!

Rochelle, Mummy to Zachariah xx

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